I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
