So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
