i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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