If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
