i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
