I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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