So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
