His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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