If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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