Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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