I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize