somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
