my mouth tastes like poor choices
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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