so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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