Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
