i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
