Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
