It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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