I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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