you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
