you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just found puke in my bra..
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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