its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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