I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
