I faked an abortion last night.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
