I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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