When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
