youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
