Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
