I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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