oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
