Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
