Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
