If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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