Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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