Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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