I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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