No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize