Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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