Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
