Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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