Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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