He uses pillows to masturbate.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
