Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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