Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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