The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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