Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
