The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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