Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my being single is dangerous.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
