I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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