You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
