Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
