Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize