Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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