After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
