I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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