new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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